“I've never been married, though I was engaged once back in college ...but that ended back in 2001. I'll be completing my masters Dec. 2008. While I'd like to complete my ten years where I'm working at now (after I graduate it'll only be 2.5 years left)... for the right guy, I'd be willing to move before then.”
“I like to think of myself as mellow and friendly. I have solid priorities but respect people of all backgrounds. I've always been proud of the fact that I count among my friends conservatives, liberals, republicans, democrats. The variety can be a little challenging but also extremely rewearding. I feel very blessed!”
“A curious introvert. I've been around the world on mission trips and for work, but most weekends I prefer to sit home with my cats, a cup of coffee and a good book. I've worked as an Interpreter for the deaf in public schools, a robotics programmer, and a janitor. I absolutely hated English in school but now I write (one book of poetry finished and one fantasy novel looking for a publisher/agent.) I'm not good at creating art but I do appreciate it.”
Some people think that love comes in the form of frequent phone calls, text messages and joined-at-the-hip partnership. This isn't love, it's smothering. Explore the fine line between caring and stifling.
There’s no such thing as loving someone too much. There is such a thing, though, as too much smothering. And smothering can definitely scare someone away.
So what does it mean to really love someone, and when does love turn into smothering?
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Smothering, ultimately, isn’t about love, but about selfishness. When you love someone, you want what’s best for the person, even if that means the relationship looks different from what you had in mind. In contrast, when you smother, you prioritize your own needs for closeness or connection, as opposed to what the other person wants or needs. This is one reason people can get scared away and run from a relationship.
So let’s look at some differences between smothering and love.
Smothering takes. It’s selfish. When you smother, you’re really not considering the other person’s feelings and desires. You may feel like you’re showing love, but if you’re being motivated by your own insecurity about the relationship or your own fears about losing this person, then you’re probably more in the smothering camp.
Love gives. It’s generous. It prioritizes the other person’s freedom and autonomy. When you love, you’re willing to do whatever is best for the person you care for, even if that means you don’t get exactly what you want, exactly when you want it.
Smothering demands. When you smother, you constantly ask about the future, insisting on specific answers and results. You also demand attention or reassurance from the other person, requiring repeated statements of proof of their commitment level or feelings for you.
Love patiently waits. When you love, you enjoy the present, allowing the other person and the relationship to progress at a comfortable pace. You wait for both of you to become ready for a certain level of intimacy, instead of asking for premature answers or commitments that can put pressure on the other person and scare him or her away.
I have smothered in my past and have been smothered. The worst case (on my part) turned out to be an understandable one from his point of view. I was already insecure, and had no idea of why he suddenly wanted nothing to do with me. Feeling desperate, I went overboard. In the middle of all of this, the house caught fire and we ended up staying in my parents empty mobile home while the house was being rebuilt. As soon as it was finished, he moved out. At this time, I decided not to contact him but let him be the first. I did not hear from him for two years. The problem? He was in conflict about being gay. Over those two years, he resolved his problem. When he was ready, came to me to apologize for his hostility and admit what had been going on. Today, we are the best of friends. I would not want a life without him in it, though our relationship is what it should have been all along, now.
On the other side, much of what so may of you have said also applies to me: accusations, not being allowed personal space, constant demands for attention even when the entire day had been spent together, being followed everywhere I went and more. On EH, there is a man in communication with me who has been talking about our future from the first message. It is time to let him know that I am not comfortable with this.
Thanks to EHA for such an awesome article, and to so many of you for your amazing insight!:)
I have been in that position, only because of insecurity as a child. Now, I know what it's like to be on the other side. And the attention one gets can be stifling, and you do want the other person to have other interests besides you in their life. Someone mentioned putting on a choker , and that's how you feel, like someone is taking all the life out of you. But, I think , that in the first stages of a relationship, it happens for a while, but then slowly edges off back to norm again, or at least it should.
I dated a guy who smothered me and when I told him to back off, he came at me even faster. I felt like I was suffocating....I went to work one day wearing a chocker necklace as that is how I felt. Gave him the boot as if he was not going to respect my space now what about down the road...Lucky only one month to figure this out as it just got worse as the days went on.
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