Should You Really "Stay Friends" After The Relationship is Over?

"We broke up last night, but it was mutual and we're going to remain friends." REALLY? Why do we try to stay friends with an ex and is it ever a good idea?

by eHarmony Staff

Jerry Seinfeld wisely observed that breaking up with someone was like trying to tip over a soda machine. You can't do it in one push. You have to get it rocking. Once it is moving and unstable only then you can push it over.

Breaking up IS hard to do. It is difficult to tell another person, "I don't want a romantic relationship with you." Hearing it from someone else is clearly worse. There's pain, tears, possibly even anger. It's a dirty business. So often times, either as a way to soften the blow or out of sincere feelings of warmth, we say, "But let's stay friends."

From an intellectual level remaining friends may seem like a good idea. The logic usually goes, "I do like her as a person. We have fun together. We have good talks. I'm just not that into her romantically. I like having her in my life, so we should stop being romantic and just keep the friend part." If both individuals are emotionally mature, and completely lacking in romantic feelings for each other, then a jump straight to the friend zone might be possible. However, this very rarely happens. Mutual breakups are usually not mutual, and the breakee is holding on to some strong romantic desires.

The ever present danger for these types of friendships is a backslide. One night you're out as friends, you have a couple of drinks, somebody leans in too close, and BAM! It's just like you never broke up. Only this situation is much more confusing, hurtful, and sad.

3 Good Reasons Why You Shouldn't Stay Friends

1.    It is hard to turn off romantic feelings

You see it in the paper every day. Someone throws away a prominent career because they have fallen in love (or lust) with someone they shouldn't. This person knows that it is a bad idea, but controlling our emotions in this way takes a discipline that most folks can't muster.

If you've ever been dumped, and agreed to "just be friends" you know deep down inside you still want to get back together. Even if you don't want to…you want to. Each time you get together as friends you're hoping and praying that you'll end up in each other's arms. You may even subtly be pushing things in that direction.

If you did the dumping, the knowledge that this person -- this new friend -- would love to kiss you will always be in the back of your mind waiting for the right moment to lead you exactly where you don't want to go.