2009 Checklist for Dating Success

Hello MikeBinSC, I think your checklist is reasonable except for the restriction of your girlfriend going to bars and clubs? I suppose you could find a woman who doesn't have a problem with that, either because she doesn't care for that life or she's willing to do it for you. However, what it says to me is that you have major insecurity issues. I would be concerned that this is not exclusive to bars and clubs but would spill over into other areas of life. I think you might want to explore that anxiety problem in therapy. I agree that you shouldn't "act" like its OK but the real question is, why isn't it? I believe that in order to have a healthy relationshipone can not placelimitations on someone else. In other words own the issue and resolve it.

Hello Everyone, "What do you want out of your dating life in 2009" and "If there are certain attributes which are most important to you in identifying a mate or other areas that you will be working on this year to help you find that special person in 2009, we would love for you to share them with other Advice members on this thread." In response to this topic I have to say I have battled with that mental checklist without even knowing it and I finally did sit down and make a list of some of the things I need in order to make a relationship more successful in 2009. This Checklist is no small task. Maybe you good people have some feedback for me. The most notable problem I have experienced in past unsuccessful relationships is the tremendous anxiety I feel when my partner goes to clubs or bars leaving me at home. Therfore, in the way of trying to "...make a relationship more successful in 2009," the very first thing on my list is that, I must have a woman that will stay out of bars or clubs without me if she and I are in a 'committed' relationship. I go through quite a horrible amount of anxiety over this issue when it happens. I finally realized that for me it is best to just find a partner that agrees with my perspective here. My persective is this: Rather than acting like I am okay with clubbing or "girls night out" as they call it I would rather she know the truth about how it physically (and I mean physically) makes me feel, right up front, so we can discuss it. Then all the cards are then on the table immediately. This has been no easy topic to discuss for me either, in many situations, because the issue of trust comes up and then things can quickly turn ugly. This very issue led to the ending of an engagement to a girl I met in the United Kingdom and she kept the ring! Lesson learned is that I will make sure before I leap. I believe trust must be earned and for me, going to a bar does not build on that trust, (especially in the beginning of the relationship). Once I feel trust for her completely I may not have issue with it but so far that has not happened for me. Therefore it's best that she agree with me that trust must be earned and no bars. There is still another issue of making her feel like a caged animal and her opinion of me possibly being that I want her to be a caged pet, that I am possessive and controlling. I do not want anyone I love to ever feel that way about me becuase in short that is the same thing as saying the relationship is doomed. So to this end I have decided it is much more convenient that this top my checklist. If she does not like bars or clubs then there is no problem. She does not feel caged and I do not feel like the slave master. An important note to add is that I would not go to clubs or bars without her either. So what I am asking is more give and take then just take take take. There is no double standard here. My Checklist: Not neccesarily in the right order and really still a work in progress... 1. Trust. No clubs or bars unless we are together. This is about trust. You can't earn it if you're in a bar. That's just my point of view and you don't have to agree with it unless you want to be my girlfriend. Do I trust her? Does she trust me? Do we agree trust must be earned? Honesty and loyalty, monogomy and the rest. Do we have close enough philosophical views? 2. Personal Space. We have to have a compatible need or lack therof for personal space. I believe balance is key. Is she okay with me going to the gym alone or would she like to come with me? Maybe I could work out on a home gym instead. 3. Attraction. Am I physically attracted to her and she to me? I want a slender woman. It's just my personal taste. Also someone shorter than me much the same way as many women want taller men. I'm 5'10' and want a girl to be no more than 5'8", but I'm flexible about both weight and height. Am I being realistic? 4. Happiness. Very important is if we are both happy. In other words..chemistry. Do we communicate well and have caring or empathy for one another? Am I concerned for her and is she concerned for me. Chemistry. Our brains have to match. 5. Incomes. Need I say more? Okay, well is she happy with mine and am I with hers? 6. Goals. Are our goals compatible? Does she accept my goals? Do I accept hers? Finally, I'm still new to eHarmony. I really would appreciate everyone's feedback on my list. Is it unrealistic? Do i need counseling or what do you think really? Please don't spare my feelings. I want a successful dating/relationship experience this year! Also for any of you who want to be friends..like I said I"m new here so I would be glad to meet any of you. Take care, Mike

Love your post about wanting tall men...especially with your nickname 'grounded' [img]http://advice-static.eharmony.com/library/editor/plugins/emotions/img/smiley-innocent.gif[/img]