“I've never been married, though I was engaged once back in college ...but that ended back in 2001. I'll be completing my masters Dec. 2008. While I'd like to complete my ten years where I'm working at now (after I graduate it'll only be 2.5 years left)... for the right guy, I'd be willing to move before then.”
“I like to think of myself as mellow and friendly. I have solid priorities but respect people of all backgrounds. I've always been proud of the fact that I count among my friends conservatives, liberals, republicans, democrats. The variety can be a little challenging but also extremely rewearding. I feel very blessed!”
“A curious introvert. I've been around the world on mission trips and for work, but most weekends I prefer to sit home with my cats, a cup of coffee and a good book. I've worked as an Interpreter for the deaf in public schools, a robotics programmer, and a janitor. I absolutely hated English in school but now I write (one book of poetry finished and one fantasy novel looking for a publisher/agent.) I'm not good at creating art but I do appreciate it.”
Enjoying the most fulfilling relationships with friends, family and romantic partners is a matter of becoming as emotionally healthy as you can. Tap into these 3 markers for emotional health to make your relationships and self-worth soar.
Enjoying the most fulfilling relationships with friends, family and romantic partners is a matter of becoming as emotionally healthy as a person can. Without emotional health, relationships are often relied upon too much to make a person whole, and yet an individual can only achieve personal wholeness. The good news is that no matter where you lie on the emotional health spectrum, you can make a difference toward better health today by making small steps toward achieving three key emotional health markers: Profound significance, unswerving authenticity and self-giving love.
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1. Profound significance Healthy people have a great relationship with themselves. Not only do they recognize their best traits and know that they are of great value to themselves as well as others, but superficial measuring tools coming from outside of themselves cannot sway their self-worth. In short, they are true to themselves, despite what they perceive other people may want for them. They know that no one can give them significant life meaning simply by acting in a way that pleases another person to their own detriment. For instance if you are not true to yourself, you may find friends and romantic relationships with people who will tell you how to act or what to choose in life in order to fill that personal void in your emotional health. Or, you may seek out people to befriend and date based on other people's criteria in mind. There are 3 ways to establish profound significance:
Tap into your self-talk. Since a high percentage of the things we say to ourselves can be negative, start by transforming negative statements into positive ones. Praise yourself for your good traits or for good behaviors that are exemplary of the kind of person you would like to be and are in alignment with the long-term goals you have for your life.
Make a mistake.The next time you make a mistake listen to the negative self-talk that cycles through your head, and then calmly remind yourself that mistakes do not distract from your overall value and self-worth. All mistakes are opportunities to learn, and part of that learning process is to forgive yourself and move on! Moving beyond your past experiences and mistakes will help you escape from bitterness and sadness. Choices made—even choosing the wrong type of partner—and situations experienced in prior relationships, such as allowing yourself to be treated unfairly, can become mistakes that you are afraid to repeat again. This feeling of fear, unless come to terms with, can enter into every new relationship that you become involved in, causing undue angst and doubts for both you and your partner.
Start anew.To get over blaming yourself for making bad choices or to heal from others treating you poorly, transform your guilt first into sorrow and accept that it happened, but that it's over. You can learn from these events and situations but from this point forward, it's a fresh start. You can choose to do this whenever you are ready—and the sooner the better! And don't worry if bad feelings resurface again. When that happens, simply remind yourself that this is now. Sometimes when bad feelings become a habit they can happen so often that you come to believe that this is who you are—but it's not true. Your inner worth is something that is untouched by experience, and it's only your negative judgments of yourself that tank your self-worth.
2. Unswerving authenticity When the person you are and the person you are trying to be are the same, you'll have achieved unswerving authenticity. Those who know they have work to do in this area may experience moments of authenticity when they feel completely "in the moment" and are not worried about what people (including themselves!) think or feel about them. It usually happens in a moment in which another is helped "out of the goodness of your heart," and during this moment you'll know that you are truly in harmony with who you are and the kind of person you would like to be. To help achieve unswerving authenticity, try to think of every action in your life as a choice that can advance you toward the person you would like to be. After only a short while of practicing this way of thinking you'll see that all of your choices will result in you becoming the best—and only—version of you.
3. Self-giving love Self-giving love means being at total peace with oneself enough to realize that you are valuable to others. This requires an honest assessment of the self and acting not out of self-interest, but in the interest of others. With your ego fully in check by practicing unswerving authenticity, you'll be able to see past the superficial struggles of the ego because you won't feel the need to question your value and self-worth—you'll already know how great you are. Self-giving love requires you to share your love with others, without insecurity and without ego. It may be difficult to practice self-giving love at first, but start with those that are the easiest to love. It could be as simple as saying hello to a coworker who looks as though he's having an incredibly bad day. When you ask how his day is going, be prepared to lend emotional support, even if it's just a joke. Maybe you could offer to take a short walk around the block to get coffee. You will be motivated out of the recognition not of your own needs, but of his that he could use some support and someone to take interest in his day. All in all, emotional health is necessary to healthy relationships. By making small steps in toward mastering the 3 markers of emotional health, you will greatly improve the quality of your life. And when you experience true giving, you'll find that you are acting out of unswerving authenticity because you understand your profound significance—and by doing so, you'll also improve the lives of those around you.
I don't think this is about gender, but integrity. I am currently doing the hard work of mourning a relationship we both (he and I) believed had enormous potential. Things were really great and then not so - well - the same --- His calls either never came (I'd get a five word text in lieu of the call) - and he didn't "get" the difference. He didn't call me on Christmas. He'd been invited to my mother's house. He declined. He was spending the day with his friend (and also ex-girl friend.) Anyway, we'd made plans for NYEve. I called to tell him "I get it" (i.e. he's not that into me) and he informs me that yes, he and his woman friend were up the night before with her impressing upon him that he must tell me before NYE that he thinks I'm more invested than he is and that he just doesn't think he can compromise in any relationship right now - especially with me, because - he's decided that oh, yes, having biological children is a priority for him and that he wants to be land near his home (about 75 miles or so north of where I live) - and that the distance between us is insurmountable. I have friends who met on eH and had a 150 mile + distance between them and they're now buying a home mid-way between their respective career locales and are planning to marry.
He told me point blank that he is unwilling to compromise about anything. I would have to become pregnant immediately or be dismissed for a 28 y.o. (an exact age he cited as ideal; I am 43), euthanize my two 17 year old cats, quit my job, move to his teeny town and be his sex-kitten/muse and somehow kick in 50% of joint expenses in order to fulfill his "needs." Blessedly, he did recognize that his "needs" were unrealistic.
Here's the kicker - in his PROFILE he paints himself a man of adventure - ready to blow along where'er the wind takes him. We discussed children. He asked [i]me[/i] if I'd be willing to adopt. I said yes - there are many children who need a loving home - and I'm 43 - and I may be carrying a very brutal and incurable hereditary disease and I would definitely never have a child if I found out I was a carrier, but had never been in a "maybe I'll have a baby" position, so have never had the test done, but I vowed decades ago after watching my grandmother die in agony that I would [i]never[/i] pass on the gene if I had it.
What's wrong with adoption? Why would a man pursue and woo a woman and then pull away and have nothing more to offer than a weak laundry list of issues of which he ought to have been kind enough and cognizant enough of having - (i.e. need for his very own DNA offspring) before meeting a woman. I am angry with myself because he also said he had NEVER loved a woman before, ever. He had once thought he was in love with a still-married woman --- and later realized it wasn't love, etc. etc., but that that situation scarred him - permanently it seems.
I lost a man I deeply loved to cancer. That was the most tragic and most painful loss of a romantic partner ever. I was sexually assaulted by the man who "took" (STOLE) my virginity; I've been cheated on and lied to and have had my heart broken over and over and over again. How can just one heart break experience over a woman who is still married to another man when the relationship starts outweigh everything I've overcome???? I can't figure out if I"m totally insane - a masochist - or a narcissist (I'll be the special woman who can open his heart). Is my mistake in ignoring the red flag "I've never ever loved a woman" - or is my painful lesson this: despite everything, I can still feel - deeply. I can still dream and hope and be willing to take risks. I want to share the love I have in my heart with someone.
Why is this so hard? Did I make an enormous mistake in giving this man a chance? The crazy laundry list came [i]after[/i] I'd decided I'd feel more alone on NYEve with him than without him, but it does hurt;it burns - like gasoline poured into an open wound. I'm having a hard time finding the serenity here.
Thanks if you read all this.
Peace.
I don't think I know what emotional health is. I am happy with every aspect of my life(usually) except I want to find someone to share my life with. At 35 I really have never had that and it gets tougher every time I put myself out there. How can someone not feel needy or negative when that is what comprises most of their experiences. I can be a bit shy but I'm in decent shape, I take care of myself, I can hold a halfway intelligent conversation and I chew with my mouth closed! What gives? I'm not looking for a model either.
The self talk thing always sounded so corny to me until one day when I actually realized how badly i was insulting myself. I swear if anyone else told me the things i was saying to myself I'd have to kick thier butts! Since I'm really not flexible enough to kick my own, I had to settle for telling myself to get over it. Surprisingly it helped. Whenever i catch myself with insulting self talk now, I give my ego a mental slap and start over with a more realistic comment.
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