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miss_independent miss_independent is offline
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Here's my story. I moved a little over a year ago starting over in a new place and joined eHarmony not too long ago as a way to meet guys that I don't work with. My job is unstable to say the least (I am a freelancer). With the economy the way it is right now I barely keep my head afloat, I traded in a savings account for credit card debt. I almost feel guilty for dating because of my issues with money. With that said, I have been communicating with this seemingly great guy for a while now and we plan on meeting for the first time this weekend. We talked a bit about my career and he mentioned that I must be good at managing money and I said something without actually saying anything. Not sure of he picked up on it or not but he didn't seem to.

My question is, if all goes well with this guy, or any other match, when do I get real about the fact that I am basically broke and in debt? What if he brings up money on our first date? I do not want to lie but at the same time I don't want to scare him off. And is it fair for me to even date someone while being in debt?
- July 24th, 2009, 09:11 am
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DancingFool DancingFool is offline
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First of all you should not be discussing money on a first, second or even third date. You personal finances are really none of his business while the two of you are merely trying to figure out if you want to see each other again.

As for debt - most everyone has debt. If you have a house, you are paying a mortgage - that's debt. If you are in debt because you lost your job or some other unexpected disaster happened and you are doing your best to get out of it, people will understand and respect that. What nobody wants is someone who is careless and reckless with money. Meaning, you are unemployed and buying $300 pair of shoes just because.
- July 24th, 2009, 10:11 am
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hazmat hazmat is offline
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How much debt and why do you have it ?

You shouldn't feel guilty about dating, even with debt, life goes on. Well....unless you're trying to unload that debt on someone
- July 24th, 2009, 11:45 am
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KiskaKitty KiskaKitty is offline
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It shouldn't be an issue at all.

Like Hazmat said, as long as you're not expecting him to pay it for you, you should be fine.

These days it's hard to find anybody not it debt. As the economy tanks so does our pocket books. As long as your living within your means, and doing what you can to pay it off, that's respectable and shouldn't put you in a negative light.

Also, like other's have said, this is more of an issue if you plan to get serious and move in or marry the guy, not if you're casually dating him.

Good Luck!
- July 24th, 2009, 12:01 pm
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j0hn8andy j0hn8andy is offline
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j0hn8andy .....Take off the Rings.....That's the Goal.....

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You could look at it as an investment in your future. And just charge everything.

Not that I'm advocating that, of course!

But I would make sure that I actually thought there was a very real possibility (as opposed to mere wishful thinking!) before I would rack up too much dating debt.

Good luck, hon. It takes real guts not to settle for that steady paycheck.

and yes, there's a reason i wrote this in red
- July 24th, 2009, 12:03 pm
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miss_independent miss_independent is offline
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I don't plan on discussing money on the first few dates but sometimes it just comes up and I wanted to be prepared on what to say. I am responsible with money...eHarmony was the only unnecessary expense I have made this past year and I justify it as an investment into my future!

I owe a small bit on my car and have credit card debt that amounts to nearly $6000. Up until last year, my car loan was the only debt I had. When I work, I make good money but the jobs are fewer and far between. I don't eat out, don't buy new clothes, no vacations, no health insurance and when the jobs slowed down, I downsized on everything. Most of my debt came from moving and an unfortunate accident with my car (it was flooded) and while insurance paid for most of it, a lot came out of my pocket. It pretty much snowballed from there.

Dating though is limited on my part. Being responsible, I would never agree to go on an expensive date knowing I could not pay for at least my half (whether is was expected of me or not). If he asks me out on an expensive date, what do I say? Sorry, can you tell I like to be as prepared for any situation as I can?

I do not expect to be bailed out and would never expect my boyfriend/husband to take on this debt with me. And it's not just debt, it's lack of income. Right now I am in the "slow season" so I am being as conservative with money as I can be.

Would a guy feel lied to or betrayed if I was not upfront about my money woes?
- July 24th, 2009, 12:11 pm
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j0hn8andy j0hn8andy is offline
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j0hn8andy .....Take off the Rings.....That's the Goal.....

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miss_independent wrote :
I don't plan on discussing money on the first few dates but sometimes it just comes up and I wanted to be prepared on what to say. I am responsible with money...eHarmony was the only unnecessary expense I have made this past year and I justify it as an investment into my future!

I owe a small bit on my car and have credit card debt that amounts to nearly $6000. Up until last year, my car loan was the only debt I had. When I work, I make good money but the jobs are fewer and far between. I don't eat out, don't buy new clothes, no vacations, no health insurance and when the jobs slowed down, I downsized on everything. Most of my debt came from moving and an unfortunate accident with my car (it was flooded) and while insurance paid for most of it, a lot came out of my pocket. It pretty much snowballed from there.

Dating though is limited on my part. Being responsible, I would never agree to go on an expensive date knowing I could not pay for at least my half (whether is was expected of me or not). If he asks me out on an expensive date, what do I say? Sorry, can you tell I like to be as prepared for any situation as I can?

I do not expect to be bailed out and would never expect my boyfriend/husband to take on this debt with me. And it's not just debt, it's lack of income. Right now I am in the "slow season" so I am being as conservative with money as I can be.

Would a guy feel lied to or betrayed if I was not upfront about my money woes?



I divorced my first husband at 40. I bought him out of our house. It was three years before I remarried. Money was so tight, it was scary!

I charged what I had to, and put everything on my Home Equity Line of Credit. Then I started to date. Yes, I was taking a chance, but it was an investment in my future.

I was never comfortable paying half the dates. Instead, I would arrange (and pay for) special dates, theatre, picnics, out of the ordinary things. Every now and again I made a special dinner with a good wine. Not every other date, but they were special when they occurred. That's what I was comfortable doing. And that was only with the very special man who became my husband. The others I didn't waste my money on.

I had $11K on the HELOC when we married. The first thing he did was pay it off entirely. We both had houses, which we titled in both our names and we combined everything, all the accounts, all the money.

I don't believe he felt betrayed, but he certainly did kid me about it!

He died. That's why I'm single now. But thanks to him, I am now very careful with money. The house, car, everything is paid for, no debt whatsoever. I don't have to work, I have money in the bank, I'm in a good spot.

Don't let the fear overwhelm you. Do what you have to do to attain the future you want.
- July 24th, 2009, 12:52 pm
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miss_independent miss_independent is offline
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thank you john8andy for sharing your story!

While I don't plan on being in debt forever it is my undeniable situation at the moment. I guess I'll just have to get him to fall for me before he sees my bank records maybe if he asks, I'll show him my credit score, that's surprisingly good, lol.

and I know I'm only going on a first date with this guy, and money should not be an issue right now, it will be eventually either with him or someone else.

Thank you all for calming some of my fears by telling me I am not alone!
- July 24th, 2009, 01:21 pm
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passat1 passat1 is offline
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I beleive that money should not be the first issue. Both of you have separate accounts and personal financial situation is each one's responsibilty. Unless you get married and put all funds into one account there is nothing to worry about. You have proven you can manage your debt so hopefully it gets wiped away soon. If you are too uncomfortable with someone paying the bills on the first date, you can pay your share and spend only as much as you planned , not going over your limit.
Last edited by passat1; July 24th, 2009 at 01:30 pm.
- July 24th, 2009, 01:28 pm
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Wootz Wootz is offline
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Miss independent I am quite glad you started this thread! 6k of debt? Miss, I’ve got triple your debt and that is without a house/mortgage! I went to college poor, white, and dumb on only one scholarship, foolishly, and now I’ve yet to pay it back. I worry about the money issue as well, especially considering I will be "the guy" in the relationship and with all that implies…

I don’t think debt should be a barrier to a relationship, but it is a complication. Everybody has complications. In my last LTR, I was in college making minimum wage and taking a full load of classes while dating. We did have to modify our habits a bit. Eating out was a special occasion thing we both agreed on, as were long road trips, etc. But I think if you are smart with your money and play things intelligently, it can work well. Our "special" occasions really were special, considering how much I worked for them! My girlfriend worked summers, but not during the semester, so she more often relied on me to pay for things- which is all good. I think most men like being "the provider," when things are not taken to extremes of course. But that’s just an ego thing. *grin*

So, bottom line, I think you’ve got the right idea. Don’t bring up money, but if and when it does come up, be up front and honest about it. I like the idea of bringing half the money whether you need it or not- you never know when the guy might end up being a real heel and stiff you, or just not have enough to cover it *himself.* That seems like good, safe, common sense to me. Good luck in your dating endeavours, Miss! And keep working when and how you can. Remember that famous quote about persistence, by Calvin Coolidge -

"Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful people with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan "press on" has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race"
- July 24th, 2009, 01:53 pm
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