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Fleuellen Fleuellen is online now
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He smokes. Of course not. Really, you had to ask the question.
- August 26th, 2009, 03:42 am
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Bouffy Bouffy is offline
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hulas35851 wrote :
Ok, I really need some help with this.

Backstory: A friend sort of set me up on a blind date (a group outing to a movie type of thing). It didn't go so well, the guy she introduced me to and I didn't really talk at all that night. Week later, she gives him my number, and he calls to ask me out for a drink. I say yes, we meet up at a local sports bar, and I actually had a really good time. He hinted about a 2nd date and told me to call him when I was ready. Only problem is that he smokes and I don't. He was upfront about it, but I didn't ask for details as far as how regularly he smokes.

I need some outside opinion on this. I wasn't expecting Mr. Perfect or anything. I did have a really good time and would like to see him again. But smoking is one of those things that I don't really care for. So do I go with the flow, see how things go and maybe down the road see if he's willing to quit? Or, should I not even expect something like that happening?

Any advice is appreciated.
There is nothing nastier than kissing a smoker mouth.
- August 26th, 2009, 04:03 am
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hulas35851 hulas35851 is offline
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Fleuellen wrote :
He smokes. Of course not. Really, you had to ask the question.
Yes, I did have to ask. I've been told that I'm too picky about certain things.
- August 26th, 2009, 08:34 am
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hulas35851 hulas35851 is offline
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boccabum wrote :
Please...please please never ever ever ever date a guy and expect him to change some type of life choice behavior (like smoking) because of YOU. This is the time-honored tradition women have. Thinking their greatness and love will change a man from imperfect to perfect. If you want frustration, smelly clothes, and stinky kisses, then date this guy.
Personally, it's a deal breaker for me. A woman who smokes might as well have chronic flatulence.
I'm not expecting he will change because of me (trust me, been there, tried that and finally moved on). We've only been on one date. I've been told before that I can be too picky about certain things. I know nobody's perfect (myself included), but I don't have a very good track record with dating. I actually like this guy so far, and wanted some advice on whether I should let it slide (like the fact that he's 8 yrs younger than I am) and try to get to know him better.
- August 26th, 2009, 08:43 am
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hulas35851 hulas35851 is offline
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MCMLXXII wrote :
I don't smoke. However, I dated a smoker for 4+ years. I liked him enough to put his habit aside. Kissing him though...blech!

I wouldn't date a smoker again for a host of reasons. But if your friendship blossoms into something more romantic, it's something you'll have to deal with or ditch the guy.
Thanks, I appreciate advice from someone who's been in the same situation before.
- August 26th, 2009, 08:45 am
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hulas35851 wrote :
I'm not expecting he will change because of me (trust me, been there, tried that and finally moved on). We've only been on one date. I've been told before that I can be too picky about certain things. I know nobody's perfect (myself included), but I don't have a very good track record with dating. I actually like this guy so far, and wanted some advice on whether I should let it slide (like the fact that he's 8 yrs younger than I am) and try to get to know him better.
Well, if you want to stop being so "picky" and the smoking doesn't bother you, then go for it.
Personally, to me, smoking is a big enough issue that rejecting someone for that isn't an unreasonable and picky thing to do. It's a lifestyle choice that goes beyond being picky.
If you were rejecting guys for things like the shape of their ears, or they don't like oranges and you do...something superficial, then yes. That's picky. Smoking. That's legitimate.
- August 26th, 2009, 10:19 am
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TheMagnanimousOpieJ TheMagnanimousOpieJ is offline
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Don't be too fatalistic in the smoking-nonsmoking thing. It's not necessarily a plus-or-minus situation---you need more honest and open discussion about it. Have you and the guy ever discussed whether he thought about quitting?; tried quitting in the past?; Considered a nicotine-patch? A behavior-modification therapist?; A hypnotist?; Self-hypnosis?; Accupuncture?; Nicotine gum?; A slow, decline in cigarettes smoked per day, down to zero?

My point is that some people have habits that they do because they enjoy them, but in the hierarchy of love, my experience tells me that everything else is secondary. If you talked to him about it, you may be suprised by his responses. (I found all this out when I met the most exceptional woman in the world [who was a smoker], but was only waiting for her insurance to kick in so she could go on the patch to ultimately quit.). I enjoy my beer, but if it was problematic for the woman I loved then I would walk away from it and never look back. Now you may want to rethink this philosophy if the person "cannot" make those changes, as that may be indicative of a serious problem with addiction/neurosis and who wants to add that to our already 'crazy' lives?

Well that's what I think...and considering the persons that said to just dump the guy and move on...well that only proves that a great many people do not think. Good luck!
- August 26th, 2009, 10:40 am
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If he's stupid enough to smoke, he probably isn't smart enough to quit.

Wait until you, your clothes, your car, your house, etc. smell like an ashtray. Then decide.
- August 26th, 2009, 06:16 pm
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hulas35851 hulas35851 is offline
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TheMagnanimousOpieJ wrote :
Don't be too fatalistic in the smoking-nonsmoking thing. It's not necessarily a plus-or-minus situation---you need more honest and open discussion about it. Have you and the guy ever discussed whether he thought about quitting?; tried quitting in the past?; Considered a nicotine-patch? A behavior-modification therapist?; A hypnotist?; Self-hypnosis?; Accupuncture?; Nicotine gum?; A slow, decline in cigarettes smoked per day, down to zero?

My point is that some people have habits that they do because they enjoy them, but in the hierarchy of love, my experience tells me that everything else is secondary. If you talked to him about it, you may be suprised by his responses. (I found all this out when I met the most exceptional woman in the world [who was a smoker], but was only waiting for her insurance to kick in so she could go on the patch to ultimately quit.). I enjoy my beer, but if it was problematic for the woman I loved then I would walk away from it and never look back. Now you may want to rethink this philosophy if the person "cannot" make those changes, as that may be indicative of a serious problem with addiction/neurosis and who wants to add that to our already 'crazy' lives?

Well that's what I think...and considering the persons that said to just dump the guy and move on...well that only proves that a great many people do not think. Good luck!
Thanks for your reply. That is the way that I was leaning to go, but with all the negative comments I thought that maybe that was the wrong conclusion. I started trying the whole online dating almost 6 months ago, and in all that time, I've only received enough responses to count on 1 hand. One guy seemed almost perfect, but of course, if something seems too good to be true, usually it is. That guy went from great to creep in 2 sentences.

This guy is really nice and considerate (so far). And no creep factor, at least not yet.
- August 27th, 2009, 12:36 pm
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hulas35851 wrote :
Thanks for your reply. That is the way that I was leaning to go, but with all the negative comments I thought that maybe that was the wrong conclusion. I started trying the whole online dating almost 6 months ago, and in all that time, I've only received enough responses to count on 1 hand. One guy seemed almost perfect, but of course, if something seems too good to be true, usually it is. That guy went from great to creep in 2 sentences.

This guy is really nice and considerate (so far). And no creep factor, at least not yet.

Ah, the classic "thank you for the response I wanted to hear" response.

Here's a question: would you take up smoking for him?
- August 27th, 2009, 12:57 pm
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