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TheWanderer TheWanderer is offline
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TheWanderer is wandering

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This is actually not a rant, more an apparent aspect of human nature that I find curious and want to discuss.

You're probably familiar with the phenomenon I'm talking about. It's the woman with three or four "guy friends" who follow her around like little puppy dogs, who complains that she can't find someone to date. It's the guy who complains when no one responds to his messages, and gets embarrassed and angry when he finally does get an interested message, but from a chubby girl.

Why is that? Undesired as it may be, why do we ignore, and maybe even devalue, the attention of someone we're not interested in? Is it because it allows us to make grand, dramatic statements like "There's NO ONE who's interested in me." Or "There are NO GOOD MEN left in the world?" Shouldn't we be pleased that there's someone out there who's proved us wrong?

I've caught myself getting actively disappointed when someone I'm not at all attracted to shows some interest. Not only do I have to diplomatically find a way to let them down, I'm even more disappointed (maybe even borderline insulted) that it wasn't someone I could be completely into. And then I feel like a heel for feeling that way toward someone who simply doesn't match up to my hopes or standards, while I simultaneously settle back into the comfortable complaints of "Ugh! I can't find ANYONE!"

Note that I'm never rude to anyone who messages me, and though I really do appreciate the interest and them taking their time to express it, I just can't get emotionally excited about it. Even if I make a good friend from the exchange, I still feel lonely and disappointed when the women I chase don't return in the interest. It's like those women who *did* show interest just don't "count."

Since I've both had this done to me, and done this myself (I sure understand why women don't always write back on dating sites...) I figure I can't be the only one who feels this way. Anyone else find themselves in this situation? Anyone else feel a little ashamed about it? Anyone have any theories as to why we're "wired" this way?
- November 2nd, 2009, 03:51 pm
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D_Lion D_Lion is offline
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D_Lion - Ladies want to wring my neck - you have been warned!

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I also replied to unsuitable matches who wrote me (thought the vast majority of women can't be bothered.)

I think it's a legitimate response to be upset ... after all, if you spend $250 k to complete a law degree, and can't get a real job offer, offers of clerical employment "don't count" either.

Personally, when I was tracking my matching in Excel, I tracked all the e-mail, not only the ones I liked.
- November 2nd, 2009, 03:56 pm
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kevin76 kevin76 is offline
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To me it's not a matter of "counting" or keeping score, or validating myself by appreciating how much attention I get from women. What everyone is looking for is someone with whom they can share a mutual attraction, a two-way relationship. When I say I can't find someone, that's what I mean - I can't find someone I'm interested in who is also interested in me. One-way affection doesn't 'count' because it's not a relationship, and a relationship is what I want.
It's nice that you consider a girl's feelings and don't want to hurt her when you 'let her down.' But really, what else can you do? How exactly would you make that 'count?' By pretending to return the interest? I think you'd agree that wouldn't be very considerate.

There are people who collect 'admirers' and string them along like trophies. I don't want to be like that. But I'm also not going to date someone I'm not interested in just because they like me. That wouldn't be fair to either of us.

Statements like you mentioned may be technically incorrect, but they weren't meant as a technical analysis of the situation. Just understand when you hear that there is an implied condition attached - they are only considering people they are interested in. Why should it be any other way?

"None of us can choose where we will love."
(Erik - from the book Phantom, by Susan Kay.)
- November 2nd, 2009, 04:02 pm
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melman melman is offline
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You've done a good job of describing the fundamental rule "nobody truly wants what they can get for free".

Both sides of a relationship have to feel like they are working to earn something of value from the other. In addition to some degree of physical attraction, each must feel like they have to work a bit to earn what they want.

The hottie who whines to her fawning adorers that "there are no good men" is always drawn to a bad-boy who laughs at her princess act. She has to work to earn his respect.

Everyone has to play just a little bit hard-to-get. Each side of a match has to give the other something to "earn". In addition to the physical, this is a key part of how real "mutual attraction" comes to be.

29 factors of compatibility isn't the whole story.
- November 2nd, 2009, 06:49 pm
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bravethestorm bravethestorm is offline
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bravethestorm 10/10/09 Engaged to eharmony match

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I can't speak for other women but I always replied to matches that contacted me. For me it just was kinder to even be closed than to be left hanging waiting for a reply.

As for matches that aren't a good match...we all have had those. Sometimes we see something in someone else that they don't see in us and vice versa. It's sad...but the frustration is searching for that elusive one to settle down with. I had over 3000 eharmony matches before I found mine.

Hang in there and good luck with your search! You just never know when or where you'll find the right person for you...but it's worth the wait when you do.
- November 2nd, 2009, 08:27 pm
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SactoDoug SactoDoug is offline
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SactoDoug is wondering why he can't get no satisfaction.

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Why doesn't it count? Because you can only marry one person. Ultimately, the only person's attention that should matter is your significant other's.

I treat every person I interact with in a daily basis with respect. If I am seeing someone and anyone else flirts with me I make it clear that I am not available and ask that they stop.

I don't take advantage of anyone and I find it unethical when attractive people use their looks in that way.
- November 2nd, 2009, 08:37 pm
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SactoDoug SactoDoug is offline
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SactoDoug is wondering why he can't get no satisfaction.

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double post
- November 2nd, 2009, 08:37 pm
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littlebluemonkeymind littlebluemonkeymind is offline
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littlebluemonkeymind meh

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I wouldn't know. NO ONE IS INTERESTED IN ME!!!!

LOL. I tend to treat all the same. I respond to anyone who contacts me until if/when they become a nuisance (and then I tell them to cease and desist) and I try to be honest in my communication.

I don't really think it's a case of ignoring or devaluing the interest of someone we're not interested in. It's just a case of selectivity. Right or wrong, we evaluate our matches and we select some people and don't select others, for criteria that are personal and important to each of us. Why would we attach more value to someone we hadn't selected than to someone we had?

I don't have any puppy dogs. I am taking applications for minions, however : )
- November 2nd, 2009, 08:50 pm
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tbesq tbesq is offline
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Most times, when women say they can't find any men, they really mean they can't find men they're attracted to.

Most women who have taken the initiative to actually approach me are women with whom I feel no compatibility, but not simply because she approached me first. That's just the way it's been for me. But I do try to find a diplomatic way to let her know I'm not interested. I can understand how women feel in those situations, especially since they're approached much more than men.
- November 2nd, 2009, 10:37 pm
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Dafearon Dafearon is offline
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Interesting post.

I had a real player friend back in the day where his motto was "No expectation, No Disappointment". He pretty much had no expectation of anyone and just appreciated whatever he got. Unfortunately, that meant sex and if he didn't get it, he'd just move on.

Nonetheless, this has some relevance. When dating, I always held my interest neutral until i had more information. That means that I tried to avoid developing interest, but at the same time, avoid developing disinterest. Its not easy. This works more for online dating than other methods unfortunately. I had no expectation of being "interested", but i tried not to let it slip into "not interested" and reserve judgment until later.

What happens for me, is that when i got a response from my communication, i usually will try to see it all the way through and meet this person regardless of what the profile says. The profile is usually never that accurate anyways. So I go out with someone, maybe a couple of times before deciding the interest is not there. Many times, the interest is not there for the other person, and they beat me to the punch, but a couple times, interest developed along the way because I was using real time data instead of some profile written months, maybe years earlier.

It works for me. My girlfriend, is not someone I would approach randomly. If it wasn't for "the first date" where we were actually put together, we would never have started talking, much less dating and more. It took time for us to develop the interest between one another and before we knew it, neither of us can imagine life without the other. For both of us, it would have been easy for us to make a snap judgment and say "oh, not interested...next", but sometimes, you gotta look deeper in both yourself and the person you are dating and give it a chance. I'm not saying continue to date someone you have no interest in. I'm just saying that before you decide "not interested", go in with your eyes open and be honest with yourself and THEN decide, not interested.
- November 3rd, 2009, 11:56 am
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