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Chameleon Chameleon is offline
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My words exactly jayjay. Unfortunately, it will not always be so simple. Beautifulgenius, let ex-man know you moved on to the next man. Ex-man will have no choice but to accept it.
- November 4th, 2009, 05:58 am
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alissag alissag is offline
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alissag Life's not about weathering the storm but learning to dance in the rain!

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My experience with this is very limited, as my ex has only met one man that I dated. Personally, I am extremely cautious about introducing my children to anyone. The relationship has to be at certain level for that to happen, so, there is no reason for my ex to have that exposure unless the kids have.

First, does your ex know that your b/f is coming to town and spending time with your kids? Has your b/f spent time with your kids before? I made it a point to let my ex know this information prior to it happening. I didn't want him to feel caught off guard if the kids brought up the b/f (activities we did together like going to the park). I chose to handle it this way, because, this is how I would hope he would (he is remarried so the point it moot). Just give him a, "Hey, I want to let you know that X will be here this weekend. Just thought it was important you heard it from me and not second hand from the kids."

When the introduction did occur, we happened to be at my son's soccer game, so, it was neutral territory. My b/f went up, introduced himself to my ex and shook his hand as if he was meeting a friend of mine. No big deal and zero tension.

I think the tension will only be there if you, your b/f or your ex put it there.
- November 4th, 2009, 08:51 am
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beautifulgenius beautifulgenius is offline
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beautifulgenius I wish that week could have lasted forever :)

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[quote=alissag;786669]My experience with this is very limited, as my ex has only met one man that I dated. Personally, I am extremely cautious about introducing my children to anyone. The relationship has to be at certain level for that to happen, so, there is no reason for my ex to have that exposure unless the kids have.

First, does your ex know that your b/f is coming to town and spending time with your kids? Has your b/f spent time with your kids before? I made it a point to let my ex know this information prior to it happening. I didn't want him to feel caught off guard if the kids brought up the b/f (activities we did together like going to the park). I chose to handle it this way, because, this is how I would hope he would (he is remarried so the point it moot). Just give him a, "Hey, I want to let you know that X will be here this weekend. Just thought it was important you heard it from me and not second hand from the kids."

When the introduction did occur, we happened to be at my son's soccer game, so, it was neutral territory. My b/f went up, introduced himself to my ex and shook his hand as if he was meeting a friend of mine. No big deal and zero tension.

My bf has met my kids, and I've met his. We've spent a great deal of time this last summer together at his place. Everyone is getting close and it's starting to come together as a family. My ex knows that someone is in my life, but because he has not seen him, he thinks there is nothing serious going on since he has not seen any evidence of him being around. My bf is in the states and I am in Canada. Chances are that they won't meet, but I like to cover my bases.

I think it would be ideal for them to meet at a neutral place, like at a mall or something. Without the kids around. Thanx for that idea....
- November 4th, 2009, 09:35 am
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alissag alissag is offline
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alissag Life's not about weathering the storm but learning to dance in the rain!

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beautifulgenius wrote :
My bf has met my kids, and I've met his. We've spent a great deal of time this last summer together at his place. Everyone is getting close and it's starting to come together as a family. My ex knows that someone is in my life, but because he has not seen him, he thinks there is nothing serious going on since he has not seen any evidence of him being around. My bf is in the states and I am in Canada. Chances are that they won't meet, but I like to cover my bases.

I think it would be ideal for them to meet at a neutral place, like at a mall or something. Without the kids around. Thanx for that idea....
Thanks so much for elaborating, I have a much better understanding. How exciting for you! He's coming this weekend? If you set up a meeting, be sure to let us know how it goes! I'll have my fingers crossed for you.

When I met my ex's g/f (now wife) we set up a coffee shop meeting. Grabbed a coffee, made introductions and exchanged a few pleasantries. All went well and it wasn't a major production.
- November 4th, 2009, 10:10 am
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beautifulgenius beautifulgenius is offline
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beautifulgenius I wish that week could have lasted forever :)

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alissag wrote :
Thanks so much for elaborating, I have a much better understanding. How exciting for you! He's coming this weekend? If you set up a meeting, be sure to let us know how it goes! I'll have my fingers crossed for you.

When I met my ex's g/f (now wife) we set up a coffee shop meeting. Grabbed a coffee, made introductions and exchanged a few pleasantries. All went well and it wasn't a major production.
He is coming, this weekend. Everything is a go and of course I have a million and one things to do, but this is the one thing keeping me up at night. I don't usually let things bother me, unless I think it's going to affect us all. So, keep the suggestions coming. I have been reading them all. Thanx for everyone's help!! BG
- November 4th, 2009, 10:41 am
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D_Lion D_Lion is offline
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This is not your first meeting, merely the first meeting in which the possibility exists they will meet each other?

Assuming you’ve been honest with all parties about your life, I think it will pass uneventfully. JayJay alluded to one of the bigger dangers, which is that you seem “too close” to the old partner. (Long distance is a big enough risk, and adding an identifiable third party to the mix increases the risk.)

I would consider addressing that by remaining in a businesslike manner to the old partner, and exhibiting a clear difference in behavior with the new partner (even including dressing differently, for instance.)

Also, I would be ceding authority to the new partner in a significant way, and a near total way as regards the opinion of the old partner. For instance, meal arrangements, scheduling issues, I would let the new partner dictate and support his choices.

Still, I’d expect it to pass.
- November 4th, 2009, 04:06 pm
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chrysalis08 chrysalis08 is offline
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Agree with everyone, including the ex maybe being too connected still. When you said you don't know if the ex will be around - is this because you are really cool with being friends now and he hangs out at your place sometimes, or because he might randomly drop by to pick up the kids? Either way, myself, I wouldn't be worried about my ex knowing all the details of a new relationship - really not his business. Am wondering about the tension you mentioned - is it from your new bf, or your ex? If it's from the new bf, maybe he's picking up on some unfinished emotional business between you and your ex?
- November 4th, 2009, 04:17 pm
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littlebluemonkeymind littlebluemonkeymind is offline
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BG, you need to set the rules about what your ex does or doesn't do while the BF is there as much as you can. If it's his time to have the kids, then perhaps that would be a good opportunity to do the handoff in a neutral location...coffee shop or some other, where there's no lingering aura of "his" place in your life.

You say you're worried about them meeting...but why would they if you and your ex only deal with each other over the kids? I don't know the size town you live in, so I don't know if it's the kind of place where you might run into ex in the grocery store or at the movies. Other than those coincidences, you should control the meeting. Ex shouldn't just be dropping by...that's going to make any man crazy (and probably for good reason.)

Also, if you and ex are on reasonable terms, I'd have a chat with him beforehand. I can understand you not wanting him in your business, but you've already spent a summer with BF...with the kids, right? So your ex has to know it's more than casual. If not, why not? If my ex had my kids off visiting someone, I'd want to know about it and I'd want to know what it was about.

If you've talked it over with your BF and he's aware of all the circumstances, there's no need to go over and over the possibilities. State what might happen to the BF calmly. State what IS happening to the ex calmly. Let things go from there.

You say you don't want any fighting, but I'm not sure who you're worried about fighting...you and your ex? Just don't do it. This is one time to just walk away from whatever nonsense he might pull, if he's inclined to such things. If you're worried about the two of them fighting, that's a more serious thing. Is your ex violent? Is your BF inclined to violence? Most grown men can manage to get through a meet, no matter how distastful, that they've been forewarned about without coming to blows. It might take one of you biting back a response or two, but that's just part of it.

I hope this helps. I think, unless there's more you're not sharing, that you just need to prepare your ex, prepare your BF, control the circumstances of any predetermined meeting (picking up the kids) and relax and have fun.
Last edited by littlebluemonkeymind; November 4th, 2009 at 04:35 pm.
- November 4th, 2009, 04:30 pm
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beautifulgenius beautifulgenius is offline
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beautifulgenius I wish that week could have lasted forever :)

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Thanx for everyone's input. I deeply appreciate it. Good or bad, I asked for all these opinions. I needed to have something to go on. And there isn't much more to tell other than what you have read.

Thanx again,
BG
- November 4th, 2009, 04:48 pm
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LizziePooh LizziePooh is offline
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I like Allisag's suggestion of letting your ex know that your boyfriend is going to be there at some event (like a kid's game or something). This is what my friend did when she brought her boyfriend the first time to an event where her ex was going to be.

I don't think you can get rid of the awkwardness of the first meeting between an ex and a current boyfriend. I think that will just resolve itself with time.

I personally would not make them meet each other unless they are already going to be at the same place and will need to meet.

Good luck!
- November 4th, 2009, 07:08 pm
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