I dress up like a pirate and pretend that I am on Captain Slappy's ship floating in the Caribbean with his parrot on my shoulder and the poopies dribbling down my back and the seagulls are screeching and wecan drink rum and say things like aft,chum bucket, me hearties, ahoy there and then we can run around with our swords and pistols like there is another pirate ship crew to fight and then I really like it when we sing our pirate songs like Captain Slappy's version of What Do We Do With A DRunken Sailor, early in the morning, shave his belly with a rusty razor and all that and we have so much fun running around that we all fall over and pretend to be drunk or dead and wake up again to do it all again but then we are really hungry and my mum makes really nice roast pork sandwiches so I be like a little pirate and pretend that she is a pirate sailor too and works in the galley to do what I tell her to, but I am really nice really and she always gives me some nice cake or apple pie and tells me I should not be drinking rum cordial but I tell her its real rum and so she says that is okay then, and gives me some lollies that make me run around outside much faster and Tootsie my dog is running with his tongue hanging out and making really funny noises so I goes and gives him some water and he is even more happy so I goes and gets my mums new shampoo she says childrens must not use but Tootsie likes it as it makes his hair go all sticky and then he can run in the dirt and it gets all stuck like it wont come out and then mum sees what we are doing, and I says I didnt do it it must have been Shirley that skinny girl from next door who is always making fun of me when I dress up as a pirate, and then her mum comes over for a cup of sugar or something else as mum says she is just a bored silly woman who needs to get out more, so why I dont know why she has to do that because I dont like her anyways, and Shirley does some terrible farts that smell really bad but she doesnt make noises, so when I am there she always says it is me so one day I am going find a dead mouse or something really smelly and put it in her room, maybe her bed, when she is not home because I know where her mum keeps the spare key in the shed next to her secret supply of rum and I know its there because we borrow some when she is not looking because she always sleeps when the postman has letters for her and I think he gets tired too and Shirley's dad comes home too late to tuck them in at night as he is in the pub with his boyfriends and I always think that he is strange anyway because when he drinks there he always falls downa lot and sometimes sleeps in the garden maybe because the roses there smell nice but I wouldnt like to sleep there because sometimes it rains and sometimes it even snows like there has been an avalanche and then it is hard to be a pirate because the pirate ship wont move as the snow makes it very heavy to push so my dad said he would like to make me a ship that lives up in the tree but he is always too busy eating all my mums food and he likes muffins too but I like mums apple pie better and I think she is the bestest mum and she even lets me look a videos on youtube and I want to grow up to work like a good pirate and drink lots more rum like captain slappy does but I dont want to be as fat as him but I like his parrot and Tootsie doesnt like pretending to be a parrot very much and she is too heavy to sit on my shoulder any more as she likes to eat too many roast pork sandwiches too but she doesnt like the rain either but I dont mind if I can run around inside but my mum says I should not do that because it is dangerous but I dont go around farting like Shirley does and make people hate her like she does so I dont think it can be that dangerous really but maybe her dad will take her to the beach and leave her there because thats what he says to me sometimes when he smells funny and she wont stop talking so much like Jeff does when he drinks too much of Shirleys mums rum cordial but I dont think her big brother will care about it either as he likes to go skateboarding and I dont think he will make a good pirate because pirates dont skateboard but I heard that ninjas do so maybe he will become a ninja one day when he grows up so we will have an enemy to fight because pirates are better than ninjas and I have to go now because my mum says that this doesnt look like i am playing games so I will go and say good bye and ho ho ho and other pirate stuff right now