WhenI worked asa Battered Women counselor for a brief time, I could never figure why the womenstayed, because I had never been in that situation (or so I thought). What I found out was that most stayed because of poor self-esteem issues and near zilch 'sense of self-worth'. All of those positives had been carefully manipulated... mentally, physically and emotionally... out of their psyche a long time ago by the batterer.


However, in relationships where there is no physical abuse, what some consider 'normal relationships', there may be subtle forms of abuse such as manipulation and/or passive aggressivebadgering/nagging. I didn't realize my ex was an expert manipulator and 'mental batterer'until I left him. We rarely argued and had a seemingly perfect relationship. ButI knew something wasn't right. I stayed for the kids 3 years longer than I should have. By the time I left him, I had 3 children (including an infant). It was rough at first not having him physically around to do the things I normally didn't have to worry about, butI realized his insistence that he do all of the cooking, shopping, care of the home, and needs of the children, were his way of sending a mental signal to me that I was incompetent, and thus needed him to keep my life in order. Once I began to assert my independence (wanting to go back to college, wanting to do things on my own, etc) the arguing and long silences started. It was mental manipulation because he would use the the long silences as a way to 'silence' and stifle me. But as long as we were arguing, I felt that at least I was being heard, albeit in a negative way. When the arguing stopped, and silences became longer and longer he realized it was not working and finally 'let' me go.


It was easy to sit back and 'let' him take over duties that even I should have been able to do. But staying with him would have made me more of an emotional and mental cripple than I already was,because I didn't know how to even cook a decent meal whenI left him. I almost gave up and went back to him until one dayI had an epiphany..."I can do this"...and from then on I was okay. I left him for the freedom to make my own choices and to get out from under his heavy-handed, over-the-top perfectionism. NowI makemistakes all the time....still burn dinner once in awhile, never could figure out how to iron a perfect collar on a shirt and folding a sheet is still a daunting task for me. But I am free to make my own choices, andI found my self-worth.


I say all this to raise an important point....we all stay in bad relationships for many different reasons. Some, like me, don't even recognize they are in a toxic relationship, until it sneaks up on you. IMO, the reasons people stay are important, but I always cheer when men and women eventually get up the gumption to leave a toxic relationship.