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pj33 pj33 is offline
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I have been on e-harmony for about 3 years.

When I first joined, I met somebody within the first few weeks. We dated for about 7 months. I honestly thought she was the one, but later she broke up with me.

Since then, I had several relationships that lasted anywhere between 3-4 months. However, since last year I have been in a rut.

I've been out with about 25 girls since last fall and just can't get past the 3rd or 4th date. I either get blown off or just told that they don't feel the chemistry isn't there.

I don't know if I come on too strong. I don't think I do. I usually go out on the first date make plans for a second date during our date for 3-4 days later. And then after the 2nd date give them a call 2 days after our second date to make plans for a 3rd date.

The first date usually consists of drinks or dinner & drinks. The second date is usually dinner and a movie or just dinner.

Am I doing something wrong?
- July 13th, 2009, 07:03 pm
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D_Lion D_Lion is offline
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D_Lion - Ladies want to wring my neck - you have been warned!

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Many things are not so much about “right” and “wrong” as about fitting into who you are, and doing what attracts the audience you’re seeking.

Personally, I do not do dates as short as “drinks” (and it seems a majority of women will not have alcohol on a first date, the others only one drink with a meal), and I would never go to a movie. Though short coffee dates seem popular.

It’s hard to assess from the limited data, but some possibilities are that in 3 or 4 dates you’ve given enough data about your career or class that doesn’t meet her requirements, or something in your personality / values / sense of humor doesn’t mesh.

My first dates are long dinners minimum, and my second is usually a full day. Whatever, if what you’re doing is not working, try some different things; evaluate the outcome and experiment further.
- July 13th, 2009, 08:06 pm
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Chickie1984 Chickie1984 is offline
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from the description you've given you aren't "doing anything wrong". but there really isn't much detail to go by. Maybe you're giving too much information too soon? or not enough? or you're just in a rut. Hey I was in a rut for 3 years! maybe you're just supposed to date for now and wait for Mrs Right to decide to find a way to find you.
good luck
- July 13th, 2009, 08:15 pm
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DancingFool DancingFool is offline
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It does not sound like you are doing anything wrong, but meeting that one right person is very hard.

One thing that strikes me is....are you attracted to every single one of your dates and really see potential or are you just going through the motions of asking them out so you are not alone? If you are not feeling the chemistry yourself and still ask them out for a second or third date, the women will sense it and will sense the desperation behind that which will cause them to run so be sure that you are not doing that.
- July 14th, 2009, 05:54 am
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BikerBeagle BikerBeagle is offline
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Honestly, I think you have discovered why online dating only works for a very small percentage of people ...dating has almost become a sport for a lot of men and women. They do it for fun so that they don't spend Fri/Sat night sitting at home. Dating relationships - and I think almost entirely because of online dating - have become truly disposable assets. Don't like something small about this one? ...dump them because there's another one already waiting in the inbox (this is especially true for women).

"I usually go out on the first date make plans for a second date during our date for 3-4 days later. And then after the 2nd date give them a call 2 days after our second date to make plans for a 3rd date."

I also wanted to comment on the above statement. You are following the rules ...the problem with this is that a lot of women will recognize it right off. This, in and of itself, can make it appears as though you aren't interested and just "going through the motions". Rules are guidelines and they aren't conducive to setting yourself above the rest of the fish in the sea. You need to step outside your box. Of course, don't go professing your undying love on the 2nd date, but if you are interested in getting to know a woman and want to show it, it wouldn't kill you to call her the day after and plan for something a little more special than "dinner and a movie" (*groan*).
- July 14th, 2009, 06:34 am
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drwill911 drwill911 is offline
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pj33, there is a thin line between confidence and arrogance. Women love men who are confident and loathe men that are arrogant. A lack of confidence, on the other hand, has an odor that is easy to "smell" and causes women to suddenly run for cover. The ability to detect insecurity resides at the instinct level for a woman and it automatic. In order for a man to provide a woman with security he must be secure within himself. The tone of you post suggests insecurity at a deep level that the women are picking up instinctively and, perhaps, you are trying to cover it up by being a little too forward. In the end, however, dating or trying to find the person who will be right for you is a numbers game governed by the law of inevitability. If you ask 100, one will inevitably say yes. Just remember, though, in order to find the right one for you, you have to be the right one for someone else. Security is one of the primary needs for a woman. Work on your personal security and you will develop the confidence to secure the loving relationship that you seek.
- July 14th, 2009, 07:05 am
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j0hn8andy j0hn8andy is offline
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I have to agree with everything posted above.

Especially the two men, Frog & Biker.

And I just hate when that happens!
- July 14th, 2009, 07:35 am
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dietpepsi dietpepsi is offline
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Your protocol is great -- I wish more guys would take me out for dinner and follow up in 3 days with a 2nd date.

There's probably more that you haven't mentioned. You're not into each other, etc.

I can't stress this enough: you should only date people you like. Don't overanalyze or give it too many chances. Either you like her or you don't.

I personally like a quick intro, then anything goes for subsequent dates. Eating with strangers can be painful, esp if you have nothing to talk about.
- July 14th, 2009, 01:33 pm
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churumbeque churumbeque is offline
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Seems like you are trying too hard and planning too much. 25 dates is a lot in that amount of time. Why so many? Can you not be alone? Maybe your dates sense that and lack of spontanaity. So you liked that many people that you would ask them on 3-4 dates? RELAX
- July 14th, 2009, 01:46 pm
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lostdude lostdude is offline
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i don't have much to add...but i'm in a much worse rut than you. i've gone on average 2 first dates per month, and only 2 in the past 4 months have gone past 1 date. not sure what i'm doing that causes me to be a one hit wonder, but for now i'm just taking it as a learning experience. some girls i know i am not attracted to, and some just don't contact me back. who knows what is going on.

my first dates are usually something short, like dessert or coffee. on occasion i've had brunch/breakfast with them. topic of conversation is usually what they do or family or whatever may come up.

so yeah, i have no advice...just letting you know i'm doing a "worse" job than you =P
- July 14th, 2009, 03:25 pm
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